Domestic Bliss
by Neko Oni
Summary: MatsuHitsu. It's time for the annueal end of year cleaning, but Matsumoto would rather be out drinking. If cleaning doesn't kill her, Hitsugaya just might.


SUMMARY: Domestic (not-so-blissful) bliss, MatsuHitsu style

Matsumoto has really, really done it this time. In her drunken laziness, she's pushed Hitsugaya's buttons in all the wrong way, and now, he's out for blood. Yay for lover's spat and hen-pecked!Matsumoto. Also, the side pairing of Kyouraku/Nanao make a lil appearance here.

SUMMARY: Domestic (not-so-blissful) bliss, MatsuHitsu style. It's time for the annual end-of-year cleaning, and if the work doesn't kill her, Hitsu just might.

PAIRING: MatsuHitsu

WARNINGS: het, crack, insanity, possible OOC

Yes, I put a warning for het in there. If I have to put warnings for my yaoi stories, then I feel it only equal to put a warning for het as well.

DISLCAIMER: I don't own Bleach and am making no money off of this

NOTES: Set after the war, when Matsu is a taichou and she and Hitsu are in an established relationship and living together.

&

DOMESTIC BLISS

by Neko Oni

"SHIROO-CHAAN!!" The peaceful harmony of a warm spring morning was shattered by an ear-splitting screech that caused sleeping alley cats, mangy dogs, and scrounging rodents to flee in startled terror.

Moments later, a tall female shinigami recklessly shunpoed past, twisting and turning down side streets of Rukongai as she desperately tried to loose her pursuer. Her infamous, enormous breasts threatened to spill out of her indecently low black top, her wavy orange hair was in thick, wild tangles, and her white, slightly stained haori marked with her division number fluttered behind her like a white sail, marking her as a very visible target.

She glanced nervously over her shoulder, spitting out the orange hair that flew in her face. Really, she needed a haircut, but first she had to escape to safety. She didn't see him anywhere, but that necessarily was not a good thing. She did not know where he was, so either she had outrun him-highly unlikely- or he was waiting somewhere, ready to pounce on her.

"SHIRO-CHAN! I'M SORRY, I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN IT!!" She called loudly as she darted down another alley, looking around wildly, but she did not see any signs of him. She bit her lower lip, picking up speed and placing a hand over her stomach as she tried not to heave. Really, it was far too early in the morning for this, and on a Saturday, too. It was her one and only day off- days off were very rare for a taichou of the Gotei 13, even one as lazy as her- and she should be nursing her hangover in bed instead of running for her life at an ungodly hour of the morning.

Whack. She landed on her butt with a thump, rubbing her already pounding head. "Itai!" She wailed and glanced up with glassy blue eyes in her most pathetic puppy-dog pout. "That was mean, Shiro-chan! I said I was sorry."

"And I said sorry doesn't cut it, you lazy, drunken good-for-nothing." Hitsugaya snarled, slim arms crossed over his slender chest as the petite shinigami, for once, towered over her. One small fist clenched tightly onto the handle of the broom he'd used to hit her with. He wore a dusty, faded baby blue, sleeveless yukata with a wide, white sash that accentuated his slender frame and a cleaning kerchief covering his thick, fluffy white hair, which he wore down, as he used to back in the day when he lived with his grandmother and sister in Rukongai. His yukata was an old cast-off of his slightly deranged sister, Hinamori, whose fragile mind had never been quite the same since the end of the war and who believed Shiro was her own personal doll to play dress-up with. At least she helped with the spring cleaning, even though she kept trying to throw out all of Matsumoto's stuff.

Matsumoto crossed her arms under her bulging breasts, pushing them up more and pouting up at her lover. "You're completely over-reacting, as usual. It was a tiny, honest mistAKEEE!!" She ended in a loud wail as the broom thwacked her again.

Hitsugaya's pretty face was twisted in a feral snarl, his large sea foam green eyes glittering like rare jewels with anger and indignation as he repeatedly brought his broom down, hitting every inch of her bigger body he could. "YOU FLOODED THE KITCHEN!" He yelled between blows. "You wouldn't let me call a plumber- oh, no, you, the great, wonderful stupid ass said you could fix it yourself, yet you never did. And now, the damn pipe finally cracked all because you were out all night drinking when me and Momo were busy cleaning!!"

"SHIRO-CHAN!" Matsumoto howled, her ears ringing with his recriminations. She raised her arms over her head to bat the offending broom away, but he kept laying into her as if he really wanted to beat her to death. Glancing into beautiful, utterly furious turquoise eyes, she thought he really did. She tried to crawl away, but he moved with her. She tried to get up, but he wouldn't let her. Finally, she grabbed the wooden pole, just above the tied bristles, and hauled herself to her feet, yanking the broom from his small fists.

"Damn it, I'm starting to get pissed." Her blue eyes lost some of the drunken haze and her usually smiling mouth frowned. She pushed her tangled, long orange locks out of her face and glared down at her little lover, who glared right back up at her as she towered over him. It was a look that usually quailed Hinamori's raving when she grieved for her beloved, deceased Aizen-the-traitor-taichou. The first time Matsumoto used it on the trembling girl, she thought the poor girl was going to wet her pants just like she wet her bed every night.

"And I'm already pissed." Hitsugaya, however, was nowhere near cowed. He placed his small hands on his hips and set his elfin chin in a particular gesture of stubbornness that made Matsumoto almost back down. She'd seen that look before, on Nanao when she was ready to throttle Kyouraku. Looks like Nano had been giving Hitsugaya lessons on how to handle drunken idiots…She would have to stop allowing him have tea with Nanao.

"Excuse me?" The frosty glare went from hostile to downright murderous. Matsumoto paused, dawning horror replacing anger on her face at the realization that she had spoken her last thought out loud.

"Um…oops?" She offered meekly, grinning toothily at her little, growling baby dragon who looked like he was ready to lunge for her throat. She gulped and put her hands up defensively, ready to fend off any attacks.

He growled and glared at her with homicidal intentions dancing in his big, bright eyes while she sweat dropped and tried to desperately think of a way out. She wanted shunpo out of there, but she was too terrified to even twitch. One small movement, one wrong word, and she would be iced. Literally.

"Look, Shiro-chan, it's all just a misunderstanding. I was going to fix it, really-"

His face showed complete disbelief and he snorted angrily. "Were you waiting for hell to freeze? Cuz I'd been waiting FIVE DAMN MONTHS for you to get off your lazy ass and fix it. But it's been just one excuse after another after another, and you went out drinking when you knew we were all going to clean today."

"But we cleaned last year. We're never home much- surely the place can't be that bad? Besides, I thought you and Momo took care of the cleaning-"

He growled and approached her menacingly. She cringed-that had been the wrong thing to say. "It's sad that my mentally retarded sister can be trusted with dangerous cleaning chemicals yet you, a taichou of the Gotei 13, can't. We clean every single week, which your lazy ass never helps with, by the way, but today we- meaning ALL of us- were supposed to go through EVERYTHING and make the house spotless."

"But what's the point?" She pouted, backing up as he advanced, one small finger jabbing into her breast as he snarled in reply.

"The point is to get rid of all the filth and junk that's accumulated in the house."

Matsumoto couldn't help herself; she rolled her pale blue eyes. "How can that house possibly be dirty with all the cleaning you do? You're such a little neat-freak."

One large aqua eye twitched and his baby cheeks puffed as he drew in a harsh breath. "And you're a filthy, disgusting pig! Do you know what Momo found in that over packed dump you call a closet? Moldy, half eaten-"

"NANAO-CHAN! I WAS GONNA COME HOME, REALLY!" Kyouraku howled, pleading in pain as his smaller fukutaichou hauled him down the street, passing Matsumoto and Hitsugaya as she went. She held him by his ear, twisting it painfully as she yanked him along. He stumbled, drunk and hunched over as his head was forced down to her height.

"Yeah, right. You were supposed to come home LAST NIGHT and help me with cleaning today, not go out drinking until the wee hours of the morning!" She snarled in reply then paused when she saw Hitsugaya and Matsumoto. Her scowling face suddenly turned pleasant when she spied the shinigami she commiserated with over drunken morons. "Ah, Hitsugaya-taichou! Lovely morning, isn't it?" She, too, wore an old yukata and kerchief for cleaning while Kyouraku and Matsumoto were both still in their shinigami robes since both had gone straight to the bars after work last night and never came home.

Hitsugaya's scowl, too, vanished, replaced by his rare, sweet smile that made virtually anyone suffer a massive nosebleed. "It would be a lot nicer if I didn't have to put up with excessive amounts of drinking and stupidity."

Nanao nodded sympathetically. "I'm behind in my cleaning, too, and I know the feeling." Both shot dirty looks at their drunken lovers, who cringed.

Matsumoto inched backwards, getting ready to take off but Hitsugaya pinned her with dangerous, narrowed eyes. "I haven't even started cleaning. I've been too busy dealing with a cracked water pipe."

Nanao watched the tall, female taichou blanch as she pushed her glasses up her nose. She felt Kyouraku squirming, trying to wriggle out of her tight grasp, and she twisted her wrist, making him howl painfully as his ear was yanked. "Tea after work on Monday?" She asked and he nodded curtly, his attention fully focused back on his own infuriating idiot, leaving her to deal with hers. "Until then, Hitsugaya-taichou." She stormed off, dragging her loudly protesting man with her.

Matsumoto trembled in her captain's robe. She was a powerful, mighty taichou and feared no Hollow, no Arrancar, and no paperwork- well, okay, paperwork was completely terrifying and still gave her nightmares, but she had learned how to handle it. She could do paperwork without any problem; she just shoved it all onto her own fukutaichou. Even scarier than paperwork, however, was a pissed-off baby dragon. Especially when he was pissed at her.

Oh, was her baby dragon ever pissed. Hitsugaya's pretty face still twisted in anger, but there was something else. Matsumoto couldn't quite put her finger on it. His soft pink lips tugged upwards in a small smirk and his large turquoise eyes sparkled with anger and mischief. His thick and incredibly long, inky lashes made his eyes really pop in his smooth, ivory face and she felt a shudder down her spine.

Matsumoto backed up more, but he followed her, smiling up at her with his glittering blue-green eyes. "Sh-shiro-chan?" She questioned as one slender hand rose up. For a moment, she thought he was going to caress her cheek, then small fingers swiftly grabbed her earlobe and she felt DOOM settle over her like a heavy cloud before her ear was jerked downwards none-too-gently.

"ITAII!" Matsumoto wailed, twisting and struggling to free herself, but the dainty fingers held on tightly as Hitsguaya's smile widened. She was down at his level, now, her face next to his.

Hitsugaya smirked vindictively as he yanked on her ear, twisting the lobe and making her wail in pain. "We're going home. And you're going to fix the pipe, then you're cleaning the kitchen and the storage rooms. By yourself. Also, Momo's clogged up the toilet again. She still thinks it lets her communicate with Aizen's soul and has been trying to send him letters and small gifts."

"B-but-" Matsumoto's protest turned into a yelp of pain as dainty fingers twisted her poor, abused ear and Hitsguaya's smirk turned into his ultra-rare, completely dazzling smile that could melt any heart and put the sun to shame. With a jerk on her ear and a whimper of pain, the smallest taichou dragged the other taichou home. Every time Matsumoto tried to bulk to jerk free, her ear was yanked painfully.

Her yelps of pain whenever he tugged on her ear mollified Hitsugaya's anger and she was, for once in her afterlife, completely cooperative as he dragged her home. She uttered not one word of protest. He almost felt like skipping, but that was childish and something he would never do. He would, however, thank Nanao-chan for all the tips and tricks she had taught him. The latest one was the best of all, and she had been completely right- it worked wonders. It was much better than the broom and resulted in Matsumoto's complete cooperation. Hmm…maybe Nanao would like a new teapot, or a nice stationary set…

As Hitsugaya pondered what thank-you gift to get Nanao and dragged a flailing Matsumoto by her ear, he was unaware that he was practically beaming and humming softly under his breath. They made quite the odd spectacle, as shinigami were wont to do, on their way home, and many people stopped and stared, but Hitsugaya and Matsumoto ignored them. Hitsugaya was too happy to care and Matsumoto was too miserable.

The spectacle became even stranger when a former shinigami- a mentally ill, brown haired girl in faded, dusty pink yukata and cleaning kerchief came rushing out to greet them as they neared their house. She held a broom and started clapping and giggling madly at the sight of Hitsguaya dragging Matsumoto.

"Momo, help meEEEE!!" Matsumoto shrieked when Hitsugaya twisted her ear again, but all Momo did was clap her hands and dance around them with the broom, singing about how pretty her Shiro-chan looked.

"Hey! He's MY Shiro-chan!" Matsumoto yelled possessively, only to yelp in pain a moment later when a broom landed on her bottom followed by a girlish giggle.

"Rangiku, stop goofing around. You've got a lot of work to do." Hitsugaya marched into the house, not even glancing over his shoulder at her as he dragged her into the house, Hinamori dancing in behind them. His scowl was firmly back in place and he gave orders in his best I'm-the-taichou voice. "Momo, finish sweeping the porch then come help me beat the rugs. As for you, Rangiku- Rangiku?"

Matsumoto froze, limbs splayed, against the wall she was slinking along, nearly inches from the door. Hitsugaya's narrowed aqua eyes pinned her with murderous intent.

"RANGIKUU!!" Hitsugaya's yell echoed throughout the house, shaking it down to the very foundations and causing poor Hinamori to squeak and duck in fear.

The day would live in infamy. It was the day Matsumoto-taichou, so lazy and perpetually drunk she made Kyouraku-taichou look as productive and sober as Kuchiki-taichou, was forced to do work. Surprisingly, work didn't kill her, but Hitsugaya came close. Then again, that was nothing new. That was everyday life with Hitsugaya and Matsumoto.

OWARI

&

Oh, that was utter insanity and I had a lot of fun writing it.

Reviews are appreciated and encouraged. Flames, however, are not and will be returned with interest.


End file.
